Networking Without the Work

This week, let’s work the room, and learn how the best leaders build strong connections. How do they create genuine rapport, even amid the chaos of networking situations? We might find it helps to get snubbed by a politician.

Table of Contents

• THE ULLMEN INSIGHT: Leaders don’t want to extract value from you, they want to create it with you.

• THE ULLMEN TRIO: Guests: Princess Diana & Fred Rogers

• THE TRIO TAKEAWAYS: Lessons learned

• THE TRIPLE PLAY: Compare, Contrast and Create

THE ULLMEN INSIGHT

Years back, I was at a civic leadership gathering in Hollywood Hills. A prominent local politician was there, gliding through the crowd.

He strode toward me, big smile and a handshake, proclaimed his full name, and asked, “Where do you live?”

For him, this wasn’t just small-talk. It was a test. A sharp, binary filter: You were either inside his voting district, or you didn’t matter.

When I answered, his smile stiffened, and without another word, he moved on to his next target, someone who might be immediately useful to him. Transaction complete, time saved.

It was so absurdly instrumental, so cartoonish, I wasn’t insulted. I almost admired how streamlined it was. No false pretenses, pure efficiency.

It struck me that there are two starkly different networking mindsets: Get something, or give freely.

Networking interactions can be framed as either an urgent “getting” contest, or as an open-ended, possibility-filled game of giving.

Getting vs. Giving.

Contest vs. Game.

For me, the “getting” contest feels impersonal, mechanical, hollow, and draining.

But the “giving” game? That connects to something deeper, more appealing, more fun, more energizing.

It's remarkably easy to start giving, because one of the most valuable things any of us can offer is undivided attention. Be genuinely curious about a person's unique strengths, goals, and interests, then look for ways that move them closer to their aspirations.

You might offer advice based on your experience, share a resource, illuminate their goals more clearly, introduce them to someone else, or simply be a supportive listener.

That’s the first step of a two-way game!

In thriving relationships, value flows in both directions, so those you uplift will, in turn, lift you. The kind of people you want to stay connected with demonstrate this by asking insightful questions about your ambitions, and by seeking tangible ways to help you advance.

That’s what the best leaders do. They see the value of genuine connection and mutual growth, and they realize it compounds over time.

Back and forth, the game goes on, you both keep winning.

When that doesn’t happen with someone, start a fresh game with someone else! It’s a big world, with countless courts, and new teammates ready for the next round.

The best leaders turn networking into net-giving.

That’s the Insight: Don’t work the room. Play the giving game.

THE ULLMEN TRIO

This week, John holds an imagined conversation on our theme with this week’s guests, Princess Diana and Fred Rogers.

Princess Diana (1961–1997): Princess Diana, "The People's Princess," was known for her compassion and advocacy for AIDS awareness, landmine removal, and children's welfare. She died in a car accident in 1997, leaving a lasting humanitarian legacy.

Fred Rogers (1928–2003): Fred Rogers, host of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, taught kindness, acceptance and community with warm sincerity. He passed away in 2003, remembered for his lasting impact on generations of children.

John Ullmen:

It’s wonderful to have you both here. You both have created such a powerful yet gentle legacy of leadership.  Tell me, how did you build such genuine rapport and trust with others while strengthening your relationships? What are your secrets.

Princess Diana:

For me, leadership isn’t about grand titles or positions; it’s about person-to-person contact. It's about looking into someone’s eyes and seeing them, truly seeing them, and letting them know they matter. Because they do. Every single person does.

I learned this lesson during my work with AIDS patients in the late 80s and early 90s. Remember how terrifying it was then? The misinformation, the fear, the stigma... People were being ostracized, treated like they were untouchable. And it broke my heart.

I remember visiting Mildmay Hospital, a hospice in London for people with AIDS. The fear in the air was palpable, but the loneliness was even heavier. So, I started visiting regularly. I’d sit with patients, hold their hands, talk to them, laugh with them when I could. And you know what? The world was telling them to be ashamed, to hide, to be feared. But by simply showing them I wasn’t afraid, by offering a human touch, a smile, a listening ear, it was like a light went on. They weren’t just AIDS patients; they were individuals, people with stories, with feelings, with a need for connection just like anyone else.

One day, I was shaking hands with a patient, and the press went wild. "Princess Diana shakes hands with AIDS patient!" It became this huge headline. But for me, it wasn’t about making headlines. It was about breaking down barriers, about showing the world that these were human beings deserving of love and compassion. It was about connecting on a human level and dissolving fear with empathy. That moment, that simple handshake, it taught me the immense power of genuine connection. It wasn't just about helping them; it healed something in me too, a deep need to bridge divides and offer comfort where it was most needed. It was a realization that the most profound leadership comes from the heart, from seeing the humanity in everyone and daring to connect with it.

Fred Rogers:

Diana, thank you for sharing that powerful story. You remind us that leadership, at its core, is about extending ourselves to others, especially when it’s difficult or when society might tell us to do otherwise. It’s truly seeing another person’s heart, their spirit, their inherent worth.

For me, this idea of genuine connection started very early. As a child, I felt things deeply, and the world could sometimes feel a little overwhelming. But even then, I had this strong sense that everyone, including me, deserved to be loved and understood.

When I started in television, it was with a puppet show for children. And people might think, “Well, what does a puppet show have to do with leadership or building relationships?” But for me, it was everything. I saw television as a powerful tool, not just for entertainment, but for connection. For creating a space where children, and really all of us, could feel safe, valued, and understood.

I remember one particular episode of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. It was during the time of the civil rights movement, and there was still so much segregation and prejudice. We had Officer Clemmons, a Black police officer, on the show regularly. And one hot summer day, we filmed a scene where Officer Clemmons and I were cooling our feet in a small wading pool together. It seems so simple, doesn’t it? Just two people, different races, sharing a moment of simple human comfort on a hot day.

But the reaction was enormous. Especially in the South, some stations threatened to pull the show. People were uncomfortable seeing a Black man and a white man sharing such a casual, intimate moment on television. But for me, it was crucial. It was a visual message, a gentle demonstration that friendship, respect, and connection transcend the artificial barriers we create. It wasn’t a grand pronouncement, just a quiet act of shared humanity. And I think that’s often where the deepest connections are built – in those small, everyday moments of reaching out, of showing kindness, of letting someone know, “I see you. And you are my neighbor.” That experience reinforced for me the power of simple, consistent acts of genuine connection and the courage it sometimes takes to show those connections openly.

Princess Diana:

Fred, that story about Officer Clemmons is so touching and powerful. It reminds me of the bravery in quiet gestures, and of vulnerability.  I’ve always believed that vulnerability plays a crucial role. People connect with authenticity, with realness. And realness means showing our imperfections, not just our polished, public selves.

I recall a time, quite early in my marriage, when things were already becoming strained. The pressure from the media, the expectations of the Royal Family, it was immense. And I felt incredibly isolated. Instead of pretending everything was perfect…

THE TRIO TAKEAWAYS

Here are more titles of the takeaways I pulled from the extended conversation. I will make the full explanations of each one, and how to apply them, available separately…

Pen the Goldfish Letter to Validate Souls Tune into someone’s emotions with care to prove they’re seen. In the 1970s, a boy wrote Fred Rogers, crushed by his goldfish’s death, wondering about heaven. Fred’s reply, penned in neat script…

Unveil the Panorama Truth for Real Bonds Strip down to your raw self to welcome others into genuine connection. In her 1995 BBC Panorama interview, Princess Diana sat stiffly, hands quaking under the table, and spoke about bulimia, depression, and a crowded…

Silence the Emmy Buzz for Heartfelt Ties Halt the noise to spotlight what’s true and deepen your links. At the 1997 Lifetime Achievement Emmy, Fred Rogers faced a glitzy crowd in his tux and asked for…

Prep with the Pre-Show Mirror to Sharpen Presence Check your own pulse daily to show up wholly for others. Before filming in his Pittsburgh studio, Fred Rogers sat in his cardigan, pondering if he’d been…

Harmonize the Jeff Duet to Ditch the Script Scrap the plan when a real moment beckons, letting authenticity reign. When, in 1981, Fred Rogers and Jeff Erlanger, a quadriplegic boy in a wheelchair, sang “It’s You I Like” on set, Jeff’s wobbly…

Shatter the Homeless Myth to Unlock Empathy Bust your biases by digging into real stories for deeper understanding. In the 1990s, Princess Diana sat in London shelters, soup steam rising, voices low, listening as a veteran recounted combat…

Pose the Volcano Question for Deeper Chats Fire off open, curious prompts to unearth stories and fuel real talks. On his show, Fred Rogers traded “Was school fun?” for “What surprised you?”, once drawing a shy boy in…

Ditch Your Heels to Show You Care Bend your frame to broadcast warmth, making people feel safe fast. At a 1990s charity event, Princess Diana ditched her heels, kneeled down to a girl in a wheelchair…

Twirl the Gala Kick to Break Down Barriers Spin some playful flair to thaw stiffness and reel people in. In 1985 at the Royal Opera House, Princess Diana, in a sleek black gown, danced with…

Wear the True Crown for Magnetic Trust Flash your unvarnished self, quirks and all, to pull people close with…

Use the “Notes to Bill” Method to Strengthen Steady Bonds Keep showing up with small, solid acts…

THE TRIPLE PLAY

Great leaders grow their understanding of people by exploring similarities, differences, and possibilities. Let’s practice this skill each week, with inspiration from our Trio guests.

1. COMPARE: Something they share.

Defying Stereotypes Through Authenticity

Rewriting the Rules of Public Persona: Both figures are celebrated for defying stereotypes about their respective roles. Princess Diana broke away from the cold, distant image typically associated with royalty by exhibiting warmth and genuine vulnerability. Fred Rogers, with his unmistakable cardigan and gentle voice, challenged the traditional notion of male stoicism and instead showcased a compassionate, nurturing side.

Their authenticity was not merely a personal characteristic, but a deliberate strategy that helped humanize public figures. Their consistent demonstration of emotional intelligence and openness led many to reconsider how vulnerability and strength might coexist, shifting public expectations about leadership and grace under pressure.

2. CONTRAST: Something they see differently.

Approach to Public Life

Princess Diana saw her public life as a powerful platform for social activism. Constant media attention provided her the opportunity to bring international focus to sensitive issues such as AIDS awareness, mental health, and landmine removal. For her, the exposure was a calculated sacrifice to advance humanitarian causes.

Fred Rogers, on the other hand, maintained a meticulous separation between his private self and his public mission. While he recognized the importance of public engagement, he preferred to work within the controlled environment of his television program, ensuring that his message of kindness and emotional well-being remained untainted by personal controversies.

3. CREATE: Something they might innovate.

To help us exercise our own leadership creativity, here we imagine the guests were alive today and joined forces to create something new.

I’ll share one of my favorites next week, and I welcome yours in the meantime!

Last week our guests were Harry Blackstone Sr. (1885-1965) and Estée Lauder (1908–2004), and this could be one of theirs:

"MagicMirror: AI Beauty Diagnostic Tool"

Incorporating advanced AI with theatrical design, this diagnostic platform uses a “magic mirror” interface that analyzes skin health and offers personalized beauty recommendations. The interface is designed with elements reminiscent of classic stage illusions, transforming mundane diagnostics into an engaging, almost magical experience. Leaders and innovators in tech can utilize this tool not just for personal care but to further research on how technology can enhance human beauty and wellness.

Apply some takeaways this week!

And let me know:

• In what ways did you find this week’s newsletter helpful or informative?

• Do you have any personal stories that illustrate the takeaways?

• Let's keep learning together - ask any leadership questions for future newsletters!

Send your emails directly to me at [email protected], or simply reply to this email.

Until next week…

Let’s make things better,

John