The Other Side of Influence

This week, let’s switch our perspective, and learn how great leaders understand others before they exercise influence. How do they see things from other people’s vantage points, to inspire engaged action to make things better? We might find it helps to get useless directions out of an airport.

Table of Contents

• THE ULLMEN INSIGHT: To influence others effectively, you must meet them where they are, not where you wish they would be

• THE ULLMEN TRIO: Guests: Stella Adler (1901-1992) and Thurgood Marshall (1908-1993)

• THE TRIO TAKEAWAYS: Lessons learned

• THE TRIPLE PLAY: Compare, Contrast and Create

THE ULLMEN INSIGHT

Picture this: You arrive in an unfamiliar city to visit an old friend, and you call them from the airport for directions. They say, “Sure! When you arrive, knock on my front door, and I’ll let you in!” 

Their instructions might be well-intended, but you’re still stranded at the airport.

Influence works the same way. To influence others effectively, you must meet them where they are, not where you wish they would be. The path to persuasion begins with their reality, not your desire.

To truly connect, inspire, and guide, you need to step into their shoes before taking your own stride. 

You need to understand the Priorities they value, the Perceptions they hold, and the Preferences they follow.

Let’s break each one down. 

1. Priorities: Their Goals Compared to Yours

Ask yourself: 

• What do they think of your objective? Are they for it? Against it? Neutral?

• Why might they align with it? Does it connect with anything they already value, pursue, or need?

• What might make them hesitate or object? What fears, doubts, or risks could they perceive? What would be their top three concerns if asked?

2. Perceptions: The Relationship Between You 

How do they genuinely feel about you? Ask: What’s the state of my connection with this person?

• Is your relationship one of openness, good communication, trust, or is there tension to consider?

• Are you seen as credible, respectful and reliable, or do you need to bolster those qualities?

3. Preferences: Their Operating Style  

Ask yourself: How do they typically respond when people try to influence them? 

• Do they listen & discuss, or object & debate? 

• Do they thrive on details, or prefer the bigger picture? 

• Do they stir conflict, or seek consensus? 

• Are they quick to decide, or do they reflect & deliberate? 

Understanding these patterns enables you to anticipate their reactions, and adapt your style to offer what resonates most and avoids unnecessary friction. 

Write answers for each factor. Ask yourself, "What am I missing?" and brainstorm about them with a trusted colleague. It’s a powerful way to illuminate blind spots and help you avoid unforeseen mistakes.

To illustrate, here’s a real-life influence example we’ll call: “See the Other Side”

Scott is a leader at a large firm, who wanted to convince Amir, the vice president in charge of his division, to approve more new hires. Scott had prepared a strong case for why this could help the company. 

When Scott raised the matter during a meeting, Amir, without deliberation, indicated they should proceed to the next agenda item. 

Taken aback, Scott said: “Hold on, can we look at this? There are major benefits.” “No,” Amir replied, “we’re moving on.” 

Scott pressed again, and Amir shuts him down firmly, “I’ve made my decision.”

Scott was stunned and angry about how Amir cut him off. But in this case, it’s Scott who made the critical influence mistake, because he ignored the other side of influence.

As it turned out, senior management was in the advanced stages of planning a significant reorganization, and many decisions were still under deliberation. Amir knew that a public discussion about new hires at that moment would put him in an ethical bind, potentially to reveal sensitive information prematurely or imply commitments he could not keep.

Could Scott have seen it coming? Absolutely, had he considered the 3 crucial factors beforehand.

1. Priorities:  

Scott assumed Amir had a natural alignment with his goal.  But he didn’t consider the VP’s challenges, that he might have reasons to resist beyond Scott’s awareness, and that to discuss the issue publicly might put Amir in a difficult position. 

2. Perceptions: 

Scott knew Amir valued his intelligence and directness. Given this established relationship, Scott should have interpreted Amir’s uncharacteristic dismissals as a signal that something else was on Amir’s mind, something best discussed later, in private.

3. Preferences: 

Normally, Amir respected Scott and welcomed rigorous debate with him. His unusually abrupt demeanor was another strong warning sign that Scott was missing a critical piece of Amir's perspective.

Scott focused on the question: “How do I get Amir to do what I want?” But he missed the more important one: “Why does Amir behave this way?” He fixated on what he wanted Amir to do, but overlooked his perspective.

Scott’s failure to consider Amir’s priorities, perceptions and preferences harmed their working relationship and his credibility. Amir called it out later to Scott as professionally immature, he missed clear signs and implications, he lacked executive awareness. Scott had to work hard to repair the damage. 

Avoid Scott’s mistake! 

The best leaders don’t just push their agenda. They seek to understand the person they aim to influence. 

Ask yourself: 

• What matters most to them?

• How do they view me? 

• How do they prefer to engage? 

True influence starts when you see the other side.

True influence is the natural outcome of genuine understanding, empathy, and connection. When you see others not as objects to maneuver but as people to understand, you unlock more than agreement, you inspire commitment. 

To influence effectively, start where others are, and move forward together.

See from their side, before you act from yours. 

THE ULLMEN TRIO

John holds an imagined conversation on our theme with this week’s guests, Thurgood Marshall and Stella Adler.

Stella Adler (1901-1992)

Stella Adler was a renowned American actress and acting teacher who revolutionized modern theater through her emphasis on emotional authenticity, training luminaries like Marlon Brando and Robert De Niro. Adler’s teaching prioritized imagination and script interpretation over personal memory. Her influence persists in acting schools and performances worldwide.

Thurgood Marshall (1908-1993)

Thurgood Marshall was a pioneering American lawyer and civil rights advocate, best known for his role as the lead attorney in the landmark Brown v. Board of Education case, which desegregated public schools. He became the first African American Supreme Court Justice in 1967, serving until 1991 and shaping legal precedents on equality and justice.. His legacy endures as a champion of civil rights and judicial fairness.

John Ullmen: Today, we have the distinct honor of hosting two truly remarkable figures whose lives and work have profoundly shaped our world: Stella Adler and Justice Thurgood Marshall. 

Stella Adler, a legendary actress and teacher, transformed modern theater by championing emotional authenticity rooted in imagination and deep understanding of the human condition. Justice Marshall, the pioneering lawyer and the first African American Supreme Court Justice, relentlessly fought for equality and justice, reshaping the American legal landscape through his profound understanding of people and the law.

Our theme today is deeply relevant to both their legacies: How vital it is to understand others, to understand people’s perspectives and ways of working, in order to lead and influence effectively. Welcome Ms. Adler and Justice Marshall. Could you each please open up our conversation with your thoughts on that?

Stella Adler: Sure, John. In my world, an actor cannot create a believable human being on stage without first crawling into the skin of another, understanding their soul. And a leader? A leader is an actor on the grandest stage of all, life itself. You must understand your audience, your fellow players, their deepest motivations, or your performance - your leadership if you will - will be hollow, a charade.

I remember a young man who walked into my studio in the late 1940s, a volcano of raw, untamed talent. Marlon Brando. Oh, that boy was a challenge! He was rebellious, suspicious of authority, and frankly, he thought most acting training was, as he’d put it, ‘crap.’ Most teachers would have tried to just break him, to force him into a mold. But I saw something in his defiance. It wasn't run-of-the-mill arrogance; it was a fierce integrity, a refusal to be false. He was like a wild horse, magnificent but distrustful.

I realized I couldn't approach him with dogma. To guide him, to influence him, I had to enter and understand his world, the turmoil within him. He felt misunderstood, and he was. So, I didn't try to tame him. Instead, I fed his imagination. I gave him extraordinary texts to work from, Sophocles, Shakespeare. I challenged him to find the truth of characters not by dredging up some painful personal memory, as some others were teaching, but by using his magnificent imagination, by understanding the grandeur and the agony of the human spirit embodied in those roles.

I remember one day, working on a scene, he was struggling, fighting the text, fighting me. I stopped, and I looked at him. I said, "Marlon, this character isn't you. He's bigger than you. You must rise to him, understand his world, his pain, his nobility. Don't pull him down to your level of dissatisfaction." I smile just thinking about that day. It was a risk. He could have walked out. But something clicked. He saw that I wasn't trying to diminish him, but to expand him. He began to trust me, to trust the work. And the world saw the result. He became a voice for a generation. Marlon himself once said, "Stella taught me imagination is a force more powerful than memory."

That taught me a profound lesson: you don't lead by imposing your will. You lead by understanding the unique landscape of another's soul, their fears, their hunger, their unspoken language. You connect with that, you build trust on that, and then, only then, can you truly influence them to reach for something extraordinary, something beyond themselves. It’s about igniting their own inner fire, not just getting them to bask in the glow of yours.

Thurgood Marshall: That’s a powerful story, Stella. "Understanding the unique landscape of another's soul," as you put it. That resonates deeply. In the courtroom, you’re not just arguing law; you're arguing with human beings: judges, jurors, opposing counsel. And if you don’t understand where they’re coming from, what their biases are, what their deepest beliefs are, you might as well be talking to a brick wall. You’re absolutely right, understanding is the bedrock of influence.

I recall a time, this was early in my career, way down in rural Mississippi, 1930s. I was there with the NAACP, defending a black man accused of a crime he clearly didn't commit. The town was a tinderbox of racial tension. The judge, the prosecutor, the jury, all of whom were white, all steeped in the Jim Crow South. Walking into that courtroom, I could feel the hostility, thick as Mississippi mud. My first instinct, as a young lawyer, was to charge in, guns blazing with righteous indignation, quoting the Constitution chapter and verse.

But my mentor, Charles Hamilton Houston, he’d taught me something crucial: "The law may be a weapon, Thurgood, but you gotta know how to aim it. And to aim it right, you gotta understand your target." So, before the trial, I spent days just… listening. Listening to the local black folks, understanding their fears, their hopes, their quiet dignity. Listening to the whispers in the white community, trying to grasp the source of their prejudice, not to excuse it, mind you, but to understand its mechanics. I learned that outright confrontation in that courtroom would be like throwing gasoline on a fire. It would only entrench them further.

So, I changed my approach. I spoke softly. I didn’t grandstand. I presented the facts, meticulously, calmly. I appealed not to their sense of racial justice. I knew that was a bridge too far for most of them at that time, but to their sense of fairness within their own twisted rules. I showed them how the evidence simply didn't add up, even by their own standards. I focused on inconsistencies in the accusers' stories, things that would make any reasonable person, regardless of their biases, pause and think. And a funny thing happened. You could see a flicker of doubt in some of their eyes. We didn’t win an acquittal. That was almost impossible then and there. But we got a hung jury. In that place, at that time, a hung jury for a black man accused of a crime against a white person was a victory. It saved his life.

What I learned was this: to influence effectively, especially when the odds are stacked against you, you have to meet people where they are. You have to understand their worldview, their language, even their prejudices. Then, you carefully, strategically, build a bridge from their understanding to yours. It’s not about compromising your principles, not one bit. It's about finding that sliver of common ground, that tiny opening, where you can plant a seed of doubt, a seed of reason, a seed of change. That, to me, is the heart of effective influence, especially when you’re fighting for the greater good.

Stella Adler: Justice Marshall, your story is a testament to the courage it takes to truly understand, especially in the face of such nasty and blatant injustice. It's one thing to understand a student in a studio; it's quite another to understand a hostile courtroom in the Jim Crow South. But when you speak of "meeting people where they are," that resonates with me. Because that is precisely what an actor must do with a character, and a playwright with an audience. We cannot simply preach from our soapbox. We must enter the worlds of others..

Another Brando story - but earlier, in 1943, when he was just nineteen, cast in "A Flag is Born." He was brilliant, yes, but so desperately insecure beneath that brooding exterior. One afternoon, after a terribly frustrating rehearsal, I found him ready to quit the whole production. Instead of lecturing him about professionalism, or the importance of the play, I invited him to my apartment on Central Park West. John, for three hours, I simply listened. And what I discovered was that his fear wasn’t about the role itself, but about being exposed as a fraud. He felt he lacked the formal education to truly grasp the intellectual dimensions of the character. So, I shifted my approach entirely. I stopped pushing Stanislavski’s technical exercises and instead connected his character’s journey to his own working-class background in Nebraska. "Marlon," I told him, "your body knows things your mind hasn't caught up with yet. Trust that knowledge! It's more authentic than any academic degree." The change was electric. He stayed, and he poured an emotional authenticity into that role that was a precursor to the revolution he’d bring to American acting. The lesson for leaders: uncover the specific fear, the hidden block. Don’t assume. Listen until the real obstacle reveals itself, then build your bridge from that precise point of vulnerability, speaking their language, not yours.

Thurgood Marshall: Yes indeed, well put, uncovering that specific fear. It’s the same in law. You have to understand not just the opposing counsel, but the judge’s particular anxieties or, conversely, their points of pride. It became a matter of literal life and death for me in 1941, down in Hugo, Oklahoma. I was defending W.D. Lyons, a young Black man accused of murdering a white family. The local sheriff had beaten a “confession” out of him and even showed him what he claimed were the charred bones of the victims. The town was a powder keg. I couldn’t get a meal in a white restaurant or rent a room.

Now, I could have gone in there breathing fire about constitutional rights, but I knew that would just slam doors shut. I needed to understand the man on the bench, Judge Robert Chappell. I learned he prided himself on being a fair-minded jurist, someone who deeply respected legal procedure. So, instead of a moral crusade, which would have alienated him, I meticulously documented every single procedural violation in the arrest and interrogation of W.D. Lyons. When I presented that coerced confession, I didn’t raise my voice. I simply placed the actual bloodstained confession letter before the court. I let the evidence, and the violations of his cherished procedures, speak for themselves. We lost at the state level, that was almost inevitable, but Judge Chappell’s written opinion showed he was deeply troubled by the way that confession was obtained. That case, Lyons v. Oklahoma, went to the Supreme Court. And though we lost there in a split decision, the dissent and the very issues raised laid crucial groundwork for Miranda v. Arizona decades later. The lesson for leaders is to find what the other person truly values, their operating code, and frame your argument within that system. It’s not about abandoning your principles, but about finding the most effective entry point for your truth.

Stella Adler: Precisely! Understanding their operating code, their values, and sometimes, understanding your own impact on them. My great teacher, Constantin Stanislavski, told me in Paris in 1934, "The truth in art is not the truth of the marketplace." And similarly, the path to influence, to connection, isn't always the most direct or forceful. I learned this lesson, rather painfully, with another brilliant young actor, Robert De Niro, around 1969…

THE TRIO TAKEAWAYS

1. Meet People Where They Are Like Marshall in Mississippi: Build Bridges from Their Understanding to Yours

Thurgood Marshall, defending a Black man in 1930s Mississippi, faced a courtroom thick with racial tension and hostility. Rather than charging in with righteous indignation, he spent days listening to both local Black communities and white whispers, understanding the mechanics of prejudice. Marshall adapted his approach, speaking softly and meticulously presenting facts that challenged the accusers' stories on their own terms. "To influence effectively, especially when the odds are stacked against you, you have to meet people where they are," Marshall explained. By understanding their worldview and building a bridge from their understanding to his, he achieved a hung jury, a remarkable victory in that time and place that saved his client's life. This strategic adaptation wasn't about compromising principles but finding that sliver of common ground where change could begin.

Application Tip: Before presenting a controversial proposal to resistant stakeholders, research their specific concerns and values, then frame your presentation using language and priorities that resonate with their worldview, creating a bridge between their current position and your desired outcome.

Final Thoughts

THE TRIPLE PLAY

Great leaders grow their understanding of people by exploring similarities, differences, and possibilities. Let’s practice this skill each week, with inspiration from our Trio guests.

1. COMPARE: Something they share.

2. CONTRAST: Something they see differently.

3. CREATE: Something they might innovate.

Last week our guests were Ella Fitzgerald (1917–1996) and Jimmy Valvano (1946–1993), and this could be one of theirs:

"Rise Up, Keep Swinging: An Underdog Anthem" 

A powerful single titled “Rise Up, Keep Swinging” combining Ella’s jazz vocals with Jimmy’s spoken-word motivation. The song celebrates overcoming odds, with Ella’s soaring melody and Jimmy’s call to “never give up.” It becomes a rally cry for leaders facing challenges, with a music video featuring diverse changemakers.

Apply some takeaways this week!

And let me know:

• In what ways did you find this week’s newsletter helpful or informative?

• Do you have any personal stories that illustrate the takeaways?

• Let's keep learning together - ask any leadership questions for future newsletters!

Send your emails directly to me at [email protected], or simply reply to this email.

Until next week…

Let’s make things better,

John